From the Party Pooper…

As any foreigner who has lived here for a while knows, Koreans have a way underdeveloped sense of “Gaydar.”

Allow me to illustrate;

About 4 years ago or so “talent” Hong Seok Cheon was on TV rather often (he was on a children’s show and also the many variety shows). His actions and mannerisms were obviously gay, so I comment to my then girlfriend that it’s amazing that Koreans allow such an openly gay person on primetime TV. She was quite surprised, and said that Hong wasn’t gay, he was just “funny.”

A year or so later he came out of the closet and many Koreans were shocked. If you had seen this guy on TV, you would realize that this is about as shocking as revelations that Liberace was gay.

I’ve also taught in Korea with two teachers who were gay. The students, staff and Korean faculty never caught on, even those who hung out with the teachers extensively. One of them was rather handsome, yet kept rejecting the advances of certain female students and always declined to be set up on a date. The Koreans concluded that he just didn’t like Korean girls (they were half right). We didn’t bother “enlightening” them since few Koreans can deal maturely with this issue (such as this blog author is currently doing right now).

We did tell one staff member who hung out with the teachers all the time. His response was, “That’s not possible, John is nice.” Classic.

So, as a public service to Koreans, I’d like to start the Korean Gaywatch.

Criteria for my judgments:

The following criteria have been rigorously researched and tested by outstanding universities and research centers across the United States and in Europe. Links forthcoming.

Note that just one or even two of these criteria (except perhaps #5, though this is a subject of hot debate currently among researchers) do not necessarily a homo make. Only when at least 2 test positive is there a chance that the person might be a closet homosexual (or 옷장 homosexuals, as they are known in Korea).

Once three or four criteria score positive then we can start making a tentative case, and after five have passed you can rest assured that the person is, in the words of Cartman from South Park, “a gay homosexual.”

1. Dresses very fashionably (especially likes wearing accesories)

2. Relatively neat and clean (for a guy), especially in regards to his apartment/home.

3. Never seems to be involved with girls (no scandals, gossip, nothing)

4. Is better looking than this blog author (no, I’m serious. This is related to the scientific fact that gays tend have more feminine features than hetero males and this typically makes them unfairly more attractive than men, such as this author, who are more the “manly and ruggedly handsome” type).

5. Fucks guys even though he is not in prison

6. Loves to dance [Note, that it is true that heterosexuals also dance. However, it is a well-established fact that heterosexuals dance only because it’s a good way to pick up women]

7. Knew who Gianni Versace was before he was killed by that gay serial killer guy.

8. Wears very nice shoes, and, when asked, admits that he, not a girlfriend or his mother, purchased them. May even share a brief but somewhat emotional story about how many places he had to shop at before he found them (see #10)

9. Has at any time expressed interest in becoming a hair dresser, fashion designer or critic, dancer, lion tamer/performer/magician, or mime.

10. Likes woman stuff like shopping, dancing, and female singers

11. Simply acts, just, you know, gay.

Important Disclaimer

Just because this author spent hours and hours on this subject does not in any way mean that he might be gay. I’m sick of people claiming that I must be secretly gay because I expend so much energy talking about it. I love women. Lots of them. As a matter of fact, I even have sex with them, sometimes even more than once. So just stop thinking that about me right now.

If you are still not convinced, then I’ll post a 19 page document I prepared on this same subject that PROVES I am not gay. Ok then.

[Update: said document is now up to 45 pages and includes graphs and charts. It also includes a chapter devoted solely to the controversial “Camp Weaver boyscout” incident of 1983]

——————————————————————————–

Ok, let’s get to Korea.

#1 Gangta

kangta

This is that pretty boy singer from H.O.T.

Note that he fits criteria 1-4. I lack the necessary data to confirm criterion #11, but I can say that on all the variety shows I’ve seen him on, he has never made a cruel joke or impersonation of Korean fashion designer Andre Kim. True heteros always seize the opportunity to joke about gays. That’s just normal guy stuff.

Also, what’s up with that “make-up” thing he did on his music video? A true man would have told the director to F-off at the mere suggestion (see An Jeong Hwan for related charge).

I think the strongest charge would be going back to #3. Gang Ta is probably the best looking guy in Korea right now. If he was even rumored to be interested in someone it would be all over the Sport’s New’s pages.
Now, since he has become famous there have only been 2 rumors of him having a girlfriend. The first was with Park Ji Yoon years back. They had been sighted together a few times and that was enough to get rumors going. However, they both denied the “charges” repeatedly and eventually people realized that indeed there was nothing going on. Finally, this year there were some photos floating around the net of him and singer Lee Soo Young with their arms around each other. It was later found out to be a fake.

8 years since making it big, and not one known girlfriend. You do the math…

You read it here first…

#2. The “cute” guy from G.O.D.

god Pretty in Pink!

There were rumors already going around about this guy being gay. They went away, though the issue was never fully settled (G.O.D. “answered” the issue by making a music video where this guy plays a very manly role of protecting a “girlfriend” from some gangster types. It couldn’t have been more forced). I’m sure a lot of you Koreans are out there confused about the issue. That’s what this website is all about.

He tests positive for criterion 1 and 2. #3 is another big red flag (you’d think he would have at least tried a fake relationship to dispel the gay rumors). I’m a little uncertain about #4. I do hear a lot of the “cute” talk, but the guy needs a nose job. Having a large nose myself, I am very hesitant to include this criterion in my argument.

He is not really talkative or outgoing (the fat singer and dumb-ass Korean American in G.O.D. never shut up) so it is very difficult to judge criterion #11.

However, we do have some further evidence that tips the scale. A while back G.O.D. did commercials for ice cream (those whores did commercials for practically everything a few years back). Each G.O.D. member had a different flavor and which one do you think cutey boy got? Strawberry. That’s right, cute pink feminine strawberry. I think we can close this case.

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