This is not how it’s supposed to be

I feel like there is something missing from my life.  Sometimes I take the initiative to search for that missing something and other times I just sit idly by and let it come to me.  It appears that both approaches are the wrong way to go about it.  The former will make me appear desperate and it’s usually seen by the other side while standing by will allow someone else the opportunity.  The best way to approach the situation is to keep meeting new people, meet their friends, learn more about them and so on.  It should work out or so I am told because I will find someone who will enjoy life as they would with me.

This aspect of my life was never an issue or called into question until I went to the psychiatrist-in-training at Robert Wood Johnson when I was suffering from depression.  The Rutgers Counseling Center thought it was a great idea at the time and referred me to their program, but that was a near fatal mistake.  By the time I was into 3 months at with that unqualified shrink, I was on meds and extremely suicidal.  One of the items she made a great deal of was the fact that I was single and without a girlfriend for so many years and made other comments as I told her about myself.  She wasn’t very professional and thought it was a good idea to interrupt me when I am fully explaining the situation to her, with some sad attempt at quick fixes.  I once took her advice with dealing with someone and the situation quickly deteriorated once I started taking her advice.

I have largely recovered from that unpleasant episode, but some of the comments still loom in the back of my mind.  I thought I had found someone but she was too dumb to realise why I was there and decided to run off with the White Man.  Now she tries to have me around as a substitute because her Scott is no longer around and her circle of friend dwindles because of her long-distance relationship. Before Kathleen, there was Jackie who hung around me when it was convenient and pulled the plug when it was no longer convenient for her.  I still think that the advice I received from that incompetent shrink may have accelerated the downward spiral.  After that incident, she would still call me up when I was at my lowest ebb and even informed me she had a boyfriend on my birthday.

Nowhere was she as sadistic as that crazy Japanese girl from my final semester at Rutgers.  It was around the same time I learned of Kathleen’s secret relationship, which I tried to deal with by cutting all ties with her.  That really wasn’t such a good idea because I started to develop physical depression afterwards with trouble sleeping, a lack of confidence, paranoia, anxiety, and desperation to an extent.  I also had a perception gap about that girl believing she had a similar personality to her other peers, which was a near-fatal assumption.  She expressed an interest that would in hindsight appear to be extremely inappropriate and only put me in a difficult position since I am not the object of jealousy and frustration from her many suitors (all the while she was in a secret relationship with another).  In essence, I was being used to divert attention from the real relationship while at the same time becoming resented and an item of gossip.  She was the worst of the group from these past 2 years because everything she had done was for the purpose of garnering attention and to protect her own interests at my expense.

I that being heartbroken twice in a semester has had an impact on my outlook as I left Rutgers as a student.  I felt a need to keep in touch with those who were behind, to strengthen myself physically and mentally, to become more careful on who to trust, and revive aspects of my personality that I suppressed in the past.  To be honest, it’s getting harder to meet new people and that might be a reason why I have been so active on facebook as of late.  My main concern is alienating others from these changes and that has already happened.  It hurts but I need to move on and get out of this mess.


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