To the Bananas, Twinkies, AZN-pryde, Triad poseur-wannabees and other assorted nutcases…

By Barret Ng

Do you think you’re a Twinkie? Or a banana? Please stop. A Twinkie is a pound cake. It has a creamy, white filling and saturated with hydrogenated fat. A banana is a fruit. You peel it and eat it. You’re not a Twinkie or a banana. If you must put a label on yourself, at least pick something that’s a little more dignified.

AZN-gangsta wannabees. Those who purposely talk Ebonics, listen to hip-hop, and walk around in oversized jerseys and droopy pants looking like they’re gonna slide right off like it ain’t no thang. I understand you’re going through a phase. Mommy and Daddy were strict Confucian disciplinarians, always told you to study real hard, and did their very best to turn you into a nice, little nerd.

It’s understandable that you’d go outta your way to portray yourself with an image that’s the diametrical opposite of William Hung in your rebellious state.  I like to remind you that high school lasts for only four years and if you’re still in that phase during college years and even well after that, you’re pretty fucking pathetic.

If you’re gonna ‘soup-up’ your used Honda Civic or Acura Integra at least do it tastefully for fuck’s sake, instead of the gaudy, eye-sore riced shit I see. Stop talking about the ‘House of VTEC’ and how your shit 4-cylinder engines are ‘gonna burn’ like in that Initial D game. Get rid of the cutesy dash ornaments that you got from your girlfriend’s Hello Kitty shop because that shit’s gay. Stop trying to say words like ‘motherfucker’ like you’re Samuel L Jackson. You’re not Sam Jackson. You’re just a punk fool with identity issues. Saying ‘motherfuckin sum bitch’ doesn’t work very well and have the same effect when your voice breaks up into a high pitch mid-stream.

Oh and when you’re out cruising and clubbing, it really helps if you actually danced, danced well, and went up to chicks and asked them to dance and did all those other normal “club things”, instead of just standing in the corner being a useless poseur, alright yo? Finally, get your own fucking style. Don’t be a cheap Asian imitation of a Black, hip-hop, gangsta hood. You’re an embarrassment to your own kind. Be original.

To think of the hard-working Asian parents who sacrifice so much (like their dignity) to have their children grow up in the States to master English and this is the payoff.  And have you ever noticed how white and Asian kids who act “Black” (read: 50 Cent, Lil’Kim) with their other poseur friends become awkwardly silent when around people who are actually black? Too funny.

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