Thoughts about Father’s day.

I always found it painful to write using a pen or pencil.  All these years, I was never taught how to properly hold a pencil and the result was just not so good handwriting after many years of writing the wrong way.  It didn’t help that things were complicated as a result of the aneurysm that was triggered by built up frustration over the first 18 or so years of my life.  It seemed like the core of most of my problems are rooted in the neglect my real father gave me.  Thanks to him, I never learned how to tell time until I was 9, never learned how to properly ties shoes until 10, personal hygiene until moving to NJ, getting straight Es, Ds and Cs in Quebec until coming over to NJ schools, properly hold a pencil until recently, and even my own age/birthday until I was around 10.

Regarding Father’s Day it was uneventful with the person I consider my dad.  We went shopping and I treated him for lunch.  He didn’t ask too much and I did exactly as he asked.   The official Father’s Day gift was actually a James Bond DVD box set.

I really don’t know what to think at this time.  My uncle died after being horribly ravaged by a cancer that revealed his real age since he always looked about 5-10 years younger when he was healthier.  I had about 6-9 months to prepare and I am still emotionally detached for the most part though I did allow myself to let it out in the funeral that was somehow overshadowed by my cousin’s Korean church congregation…Anyway, they were more of a family to me than my real siblings and assorted relatives who always make promises they never keep and actually take me for granted.  I am usually worst off if I believe their false promises if not ending up with nasty surprises.

I am most likely going to see the real father again at my sister’s supposed wedding in France with her husband Chris.  I still can’t believe he would have the nerve to impersonate his own granddaughter just to chat with me on MSN or even offer to payoff my loans just to rebuild ties even though they had to be taken because of him.  He never invested a dime in me or in my future but felt it was right to just conveniently swoop in when things got very convenient for him.

He didn’t talk to me since middle school until he learned I was actually graduating from high school and not dropping out at all.  He called and called about getting tickets to graduation but I was more than willing to intentionally misplace my extra alloted graduation tickets so he would not come.

He decided to increase his long-distance calls to me when I was in college.  I simply ignored all his calls during those four years.  Then he got smart and started using my own sister to get closer to me with the idea she would bring him over for my graduation regardless of how I felt.  There was also the talk of me moving to Shanghai after graduation to get out of NJ, but she conveniently left out the part of dealing with him on a daily basis.  Fortunately, she had schedule conflicts that kept her from coming, bringing him along, and it turned out the Shanghai idea was all talk to give me false hope.

After graduating and getting a decent job, again my sister tried to restore ties.  She told me the father was willing to payoff all my loans though he was the one who didn’t want to pay for any part of the tuition in the first place (not that I wanted his money).  In the back of my mind, I feel it would harm me if I took his money, which somehow makes him believe that all is completely forgiven.  I guess this is what the Japanese government thought when they were liberally giving away aid money to all the people and nations they raped and pillaged back in World War II.  I am also under the impression that the LG Chocolate she got for me was done using my father’s money and she is going to mislead him into thinking I actually took gifts or money from him…My sister is almost as ethical as my father…

Then my sisters used one of my nieces to try to trick me to vacation in China to see my father, who they portrayed as dying.  Then again, why didn’t they directly contact me if that was the case?  It seems that this was just typical bullshit I can expect from my real family.  Now that I think about it, I will have to make amends at some point and make sure none of the father’s money ever goes to the mistress, who hangs around him for the money, under any circumstance.

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