A minute after midnight

It was a mediocre day today with the weather affecting part of my thoughts and from a general dislike of my social situation.  I finally let it out that I am bummed out by a girl having a boyfriend already and later confided to Chris about the current environment.  He is quite a smart guy as he was able to read that something wasn’t right when I was talking to me.  Part of me was being bothered by the current situation and another one was still affected by the recent past.

I finally said what was bothering me and affected me for almost a year and it felt great.  I admitted that I wanted to beat the shit out of Sean Soh and some RONs kids for messing around with me near the end of my Rutgers days.  This seems ironic because I am going to have to deal with a Ted Hart while catching up with good company like Hirozo Miki.  Things actually got so bad that I decided to use my first year to make changes on myself and it was just good luck that it worked out back then.  Oddly enough, I never did ask for my book back but I am sure I can remind Chris’s team when I am on-site in 2 weeks.  I told my old boss that I was glad to have met him and that the experience and time was helpful overall.  Hopefully he didn’t misinterpret that as a suicidal rant but then again I didn’t get a call back, so it’s cool.  Besides, the trip to the gym did clear out some of my anxieties and frustrations.

While it’s true that we need to move on from the past, the challenge is getting away from it.  It took me nearly 15 years to come to terms with the past bullshit in my Quebec days and a few years to get around living the “American experience” in Edison with rich snobs, Green Taiwanese, and my so-called American cousin.  Now I will have to deal with the old family again when I go to my sister’s wedding, and I still need to find a way to get out of America before I am Americanised like my adopted mother and great-aunt.

I don’t think my chances of transitioning will work unless I complete and contribute to relevant projects that can open doors to new opportunities.  Otherwise I could be in another company doing the same crap job and stuck with mounting interest from student loans.  I should talk to Scott about possibly getting a way to do Marketing or a related function at Broad Street Digital when they spin them off.  It’s most likely they will spin them off as their corporate cultures are drifting apart, they are currently nothing but a cost center and there is general frustration among their management.  Working for a music/multimedia business services seems more interesting that being in a bland telecom B2B whose core product is suffering revenue declines as growing competition is reducing the cost of acquiring minutes.

It looks like I am going to have to grin and bear it for another 6-9 months before I something tangible down.  Craig, Suresh, Sandeep and possibly Andrew are already aware I am getting disenchanted with my role while the ad agency acts as if I am going to be leaving soon.  The corporate culture is going to abruptly change with a new CEO in charge. If Chris is right, the “good times” are soon coming to an end with a shift towards a bland, sterile and workflow-oriented environment.

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