Why Hipsters Suck
By Kerry Da Silva
If you live in a metropolitan city like I do, you start to notice that there are as many hipsters infesting your region as there are cockroaches. Both creatures are equally repulsive and annoying, and once you think you’re rid of them, an entire new community of them comes to life. The only main difference between the two is that you can kill a cockroach legally.
How can you spot the elusive hipster? A clear way of recognizing one is by his clothing, which can include some or all of the following:
* Camper shoes
* Pre-worn jeans/corduroys
* 70’s shirt
* Buddy Holly glasses
* Strategically unkempt hair
* Manhattan Portage messenger bag
“Jeez”, you may say. “I think I’m a hipster! Some of these items are in my closet!”
Number One: When describing yourself, don’t be so quick to use the h-word.
Number Two: Think before you come out of the closet with this admission. There are sizeable consequences (such as losing most of your brain functions).
Here are the hipster deciding factors:
* If you maxed out your credit card to pay for an outfit such as the one above, you’re a hipster.
* If you live in a converted loft with exclusively Ikea furniture, you’re a hipster.
* If you live in Williamsburg, Brooklyn; Berkeley, San Francisco; Capitol Hill, Seattle; Allston, Boston; or another similar community, you’re a hipster.
* If you often say the phrase “No Worries”, you’re a hipster.
* If, when asked what you do for a living, you reply: “I’m an artist”, you’re a hipster.
* If you deny the existence of hipsters and hipsterism, you’re a hipster.
Definition of a Hipster (from The Hipster Handbook, freewilliamsburg.com):
One who possesses tastes, social attitudes, and opinions deemed as being cool by the cool. The hipster walks among the masses in daily life but is not a part of them and must shun or reduce to kitsch anything held dear by the mainstream. A hipster ideally possesses no more than 2% body fat.
Let’s dissect this definition, shall we?
One who possesses tastes, social attitudes, and opinions deemed as being cool by the cool.
Are we still in junior high? Who are “the cool”? Do they have a secret handshake? The average hipster’s gravitational pull gathers fellow robot-like cult members who also live off their trust funds and spout out philosophical idiom they learned in Ivy League. If this is considered cool, then I’m proud to be a dork.
The hipster walks among the masses in daily life but is not a part of them…
A hipster is always part of “them” since his style and soul are completely parallel to the hipster next to him, and the hipster next to him, and so on, and so forth, until they become the masses. The Urban Outfitters and Diesels are the K-marts of the future. (Does this mean that “normal”, opinionated people will become the hipsters of tomorrow?!)
…and must shun or reduce to kitsch anything held dear by the mainstream.
Since we’ve already determined that hipsters have definitely become their own mainstream, I think by their definition, working for money is kitschy.
A hipster ideally possesses no more than 2% body fat.
This is true. In between fancy vegan restaurant visits, I’ve seen many-a-hipster sporting a cig or two to maintain that I-don’t-eat-I’m-an-artist weight.
Several researchers and I have been looking into the origin of hipsters and their culture, which, some say, seems to date back to the late 1960’s from a group of people called “hippies”. However, these “hippies” of the past had specific liberal ideals and beliefs, whereas the new hipsters of today have absolutely none and appear to have been seduced by their vanity into actually “buying in” to upscale marketing and culture. This led us to believe that hipsters were not conceived organically from the rank and file of the human race.
Through our research, we have recently discovered that behavioral scientists were employed by the top five U.S. corporations to produce an overall plan that would guarantee profits and alleviate the pressure to advertise. These scientists came up with a plan to create a new, scientifically engineered breed of human that would specifically buy high-priced label merchandise and also act as supposed “models of fashion”. They referred to these new humans as “hipsters”. By creating more hipsters and exclusive “models of fashion” hipster circles, scientists correctly predicted that those who enviously aspire to belong to that group are therefore enticed to purchase similar material possessions gain access to these circles. The profitable benefit to these top companies has been unsurpassed.
In conclusion, hipsters are mindless pawns used by greedy corporations, and they suck.