Category: Fiction

Galton Voysey appoints Marty Wikstrom of Atelier Fund to its Advisory Board

HONG KONG, July 31, 2017 — Galton Voysey (the “Company”) is pleased to announce that Martha (Marty) S. Wikstrom, founding partner of Atelier Fund, is joining the Company’s Advisory Board.

Wikstrom, who has more than 30 years’ experience in the sector, has joined as chairman of the Company’s board.

As Chief Executive Officer, Ms. Wikstrom led the Fashion and Accessories brands of Compagnie Financière Richemont SA. She also served as both a Non-Executive and then Executive Director of the Board, sitting on the Nominations Committee, the Group’s Management Committee, the Chairman’s Committee and the Strategic Product and Communications Committee.

Ms. Wikstrom served as the Deputy Managing Director and then Managing Director of Harrods, Ltd. She was a Board Director of Harrods Holdings Ltd, Harrods Estates and Kurt Geiger, Ltd where she was also the interim Chief Executive Officer.

Prior to joining Harrods, Ms. Wikstrom spent 19 years at Nordstrom, Inc. where she rose from a part-time sales assistant to President of the Full Line Stores Group.

About Galton Voysey
Galton Voysey is a platform for building, buying and developing consumer product brands. We are home to 28 iconic brands that we have developed or acquired, and extend our professional expertise to a portfolio of global brands. We believe it makes more sense to test early to validate ideas that work and ones that don’t. This gives our operation and design teams a way to experiment with something tangible, gain experience in the process and reapply their learnings in the next iteration. With a proven network of over 140 factories, Galton Voysey builds brands across a broad range of consumer, lifestyle and home goods segments across Europe, US and the world. Website: https://galtonvoysey.com/

This is a fake press release.

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Galton Voysey & DealDash.com – A Conflict of Interest

I first learned about Galton Voysey from a recent Consumerist article claiming they are simply producing premium or luxury products primarily for use on DealDash.com.

Barrel Shack. Verdict, Aava, Schultz, Kamikoto are some notable Galton Voysey brands featured on DealDash.com
Barrel Shack. Verdict, Aava, Schultz, Kamikoto are some notable Galton Voysey brands featured on DealDash

The article goes on to describe a lawsuit accusing DealDash.com of the following:

  • The lawsuit claims that expensive, supposedly high-end products, produced by Galton Voysey, auctioned off on DealDash are not what they seem.
  • Several of these brands, such as Bolvaint, Kamikoto, Aava, appear to only be available on DealDash, the brand’s website or on Amazon directly from the brand.
  • Most of the brands’ websites are registered in the same way to hide their actual ownership.
  • Trademark applications for these brands lists DealDash founder William Wolfram as the chairman of Galton Voysey, the company registering the marks.
  • The plaintiff alleges this is all a ruse to sell auction bids for overpriced products supplied by DealDash’s founder

Galton Voysey Background

According to their website:

Galton Voysey is a platform for building, buying and developing consumer product brands. We are home to 28 iconic brands that we have developed or acquired, and extend our professional expertise to a portfolio of global brands. We believe it makes more sense to test early to validate ideas that work and ones that don’t. This gives our operation and design teams a way to experiment with something tangible, gain experience in the process and reapply their learnings in the next iteration. With a proven network of over 140 factories, Galton Voysey builds brands across a broad range of consumer, lifestyle and home goods segments across Europe, US and the world.

Sounds like a normal private company developing and selling private label goods online leveraging manufacturing resources in the Asia-Pacific region with a startup mentality.

However, what is interesting is the background and the involvement of William Wolfram, the owner of DealDash.com and principle investor of Galton Voysey according to InsideRetail Hong Kong:

As it marks its third anniversary, Hong Kong-headquartered online luxury goods retailer Galton Voysey is recruiting more staff and expanding its presence in Mainland China.

Galton Voysey was founded by 28-year-old French woman Marine Aubrée Antikainen and its biggest investor is William Wolfram, 24, who believed the biggest brands of the next 50 years have not yet been built…

…Galton Voysey believes it is disrupting the global luxury goods market with new and fresh thinking, in many cases helping brands go direct from factory to consumer through their own brand websites.

According to LinkedIn, Marine Antikainen is listed as a co-founder while William Wolfram is both chairman and investor of Galton Voysey.  Oddly enough, William Wolfram is not listed on the website and the majority of Galton’s partners are mostly law firms.  These are the other companies listed as partners

  • The Loft Studio, – The Loft Studio does not cite Galton Voysey or its brands as clients.  However, it is likely this company produced the photos seem on the company website and for its brands under NDAs.
  • Vistra – Vistra is a company providing “tailored trust, fiduciary, fund and corporate services”. It is likely they are supporting Galton with various offshore financing and related services.
  • A partner with a magnifying glass and letters “AI” as its brand logo.

The rest of the website is somewhat vague on their actual work aside from a sizzle reel about the office culture and a press release announcing the company’s 3rd year of existence.

Galton Voysey Brands & DealDash.com

According to the US Patent and Trademark Office, Galton Voysey filed trademarks for its brands: Schultz, Wilson & Miller, Verdict, New Haven, The Barrel Shack, Kamikoto in 2016.  However, Galton brands such as Bolvaint was trademarked by IPIF Limited, which was formed last July, while brands such as Ashlynn Avenue, Aava, Cate & Chloe, Bardenshire do not appear to have any trademarks.

According to TINA.org:

DealDash.com positively describes and endorses products that are auctioned on its
website. Some of these products are sold by companies that DealDash founder William Wolfram is the Chairman of, a fact that is not disclosed to consumers in any DealDash marketing materials. For example, during any 24-hour period, at least 40% of DealDash auctions are for products made and sold by:

Galton Voysey brands Schultz, Kamikoto, The Barrel Shack

Galton Voysey Brands Verdict and New Haven

Galton Voysey brads Bolvaint, Ashlynn Avenue, Wilson & Miller

There is a clear conflict of interest when a major investor and chairman of Galton Voysey is also selling the company’s brands on DealDash.com, which is also owned by the same person.  It is even more questionable when this strong connection is not disclosed to the public.

The Brands Examined

While the brands appear to have quality products when examined at face value, things are not what they seem.  Galton Voysey’s marketing team and growth hackers have done a great job promoting these brands with a combination of paid Facebook likes, reviews by vloggers and blogs that are either paid or provided based on free products, compelling brand videos and standard SEO.

Although these brands appear to be private label brands one would expect to find online or at a premium retailer such as Macy’s, the pricing strategy for the various products suggests they should be treated as premium or luxury items, despite the relatively new brand development and limited brand history.   What is even more interesting is that these brand have products that have pages of positive reviews without really describing much about the products.

I’ve had three major Galton Voysey brands, Kamikoto, Bolvaint, and The Barrel Shack, submitted to FakeSpot.com, which scans for unreliable or fake product reviews.  Below are the general results:

http://fakespot.com/company/kamikoto

Fakespot has analyzed 6 products and 267 reviews for Kamikoto products.The Fakespot algorithm considers 60.0% of those reviews to be unreliable.

The Fakespot grade is based on reviews of products listed on Amazon with Kamikoto as the company name.

http://fakespot.com/company/bolvaint

Fakespot has analyzed 5 products and 21 reviews forBolvaint products.The Fakespot algorithm considers 20.0% of those reviews to be unreliable.

The Fakespot grade is based on reviews of products listed on Amazon with Bolvaint as the company name.

http://fakespot.com/company/the-barrel-shack

Fakespot has analyzed 8 products and 148 reviews forThe Barrel Shack products.The Fakespot algorithm considers 60.0%of those reviews to be unreliable.

The Fakespot grade is based on reviews of products listed on Amazon with The Barrel Shack as the company name.

When reviewing the websites, it appears nearly all the Galton Voysey brands have the same website layout from Shopify, and relatively limited contact information.  The Bolvaint website claims to have an office that is occupied by Patek Phillipe, while the Kamikoto brand doesn’t have a Japanese website, its return address is in a residential area, the brand site is hosted in the USA, and apparently the knives are made in China (which is unheard of for artisanal Japanese knives).  The lack of real information behind the brands and brand history is a recurring pattern among the Galton Voysey brands.

Conclusion

While Galton Voysey initially appears to be a private company developing and selling private label brands, it is merely a tool for DealDash.com to promote overpriced products to unsuspecting customers.  The fact the William Wolfram is involved in both companies without full disclosure, the limited information available for Galton Voysey, the strange trademarking process for the Galton brands, and irregular product reviews make the entire arrangement extremely questionable if not an outright scam.

Despite some glowing reviews by unsuspecting vloggers and blogs, none of the brands promoted by Galton Voysey can actually justify their prices due to their lack of history, actual reputation, or product quality in certain cases.  I would have no issues with their brands if they were actually being produced and sold as private label brands to leading retailers as implied in their mission statement and official interviews.  However, the reality is that they are primarily pushed through DealDash.com at inflated prices and placed on Amazon.com and their own brand websites to create the perception they are actual products.

For more details on the lawsuit – see https://consumermediallc.files.wordpress.com/2017/04/dealdash.pdf

For latest updates from TruthinAdvertising.org – see https://www.truthinadvertising.org/dealdash-status-updates/

NJTransit sets record Ticket Sales, Ridership at all-time highs

NJTransit: A Successful Mass Transit Super Bowl

by Jersey Mike

On Super Sunday, thousands of satisfied fans were able to arrive and leave the MetLife stadium at record time.  NJTransit, which had spent months preparing for Super Bowl 48, touted their high ridership numbers as a key indicator of success in playing part to the first “Mass Transit Super Bowl” of its kind.

“This..set an all-time record for ridership, which was previously 22,000 for (the) September 2009 U2 concert,” said NJ Transit spokesman John Durso Jr.

The crowds was in surprisingly good spirits, and they continued the Seahawks and Broncos chanting that had started on the train.  Many fans were impressed by the large number of trains and mass transit networks.

“We live in the country,” a Broncos fan said. “We have cars — we don’t use subways or anything like that.”

Surprisingly, despite angry rumors of people fainting, NJTransit assured us that there are no incidents of people fainting or being addressed by local EMT services.

NJTransit said the crowds were being orderly and passengers were being moved out in a “safe and efficient” manner. Dozens of buses were later brought in to help shuffle fans out of the area and ease the congestion.

Thanks to NJTransit, New Jersey and many football fans were able to enjoy a green and safe “Mass Transit Super Bowl.”

“The number of people moved, not only on game day, but in and around New York City, the number of people moved to multiple events, in and out, I think that’s an extraordinary achievement,” said Eric Grubman, the league’s executive vice president of NFL ventures and business operations.

Grubman added that NJTransit successfully moved 30,000 people from the venue in a way that was safe and designed to be easy.

Once again, NJTransit has shown the rest of the country how a “Jersey Strong” mass transit system can benefit the state and the entire country.

Ben Bernanke: “Words cannot describe how happy I am that Ron Paul is retiring.”

Ben Bernanke: “Words cannot describe how happy I am that Ron Paul is retiring.”

~While I was walking past the lobby of JP Morgan’s headquarters at 60 Wall St., I ran into FED Chairman Ben Bernanke, who had just concluded a private meeting with CEO Jamie Dimon.

JD: Mr. Bernanke, what do you think about Ron Paul not seeking re-election?

Ben Bernanke: Oh yes, I am so JOYFUL beyond belief. Words cannot describe the delight that every FED governor and Wall Street executive has right now – to know that Dr. Paul will not be around to harass us. No more ‘Audit the FED’ legislation, no more embarrassing congressional testimonies and Youtube gaffes for me; it’s just like we’re starting over from 1913.

JD: Do you have any celebrations planned for this?

Ben Bernanke: Oh yes. We’re throwing a $200M party at every FED branch – courtesy of my printing presses. We’re also inviting every Fortune 100 CEO, Wall St. Banker, and each politician which we’ve bought off. Not to mention, our keynote speaker will be former Treasury Secretary and Goldman Sachs CEO, Henry Paulson. And just to add icing on the cake, we’re going to institute a semi-annual round of quantitative easing to commemorate this festive occasion. I can now sleep soundly at night, knowing that these relentless attacks from Dr. Paul will cease to exist!
Posted by ~ Jonathan D. Hodges

X-Men: First Class Movie Spoilers

From Wikipedia.org:

At a German concentration camp in occupied Poland in 1944, young Erik Lensherr is separated from his parents by Nazi guards. The child’s desperate mind remarkably bends a metal gate until a guard knocks Lensherr unconscious. A scientist, Dr. Schmidt[4] who has observed this through a window calls Lensherr up to see him. Placing a metal coin on a desk, he orders Lensherr to use his magnetism power to move it. When Lensherr cannot, despite his best efforts, Schmidt shoots and kills Lensher’s mother in front of him. In his rage, Lensherr’s out-of-control magnetic power kills the two guards and destroys two rooms, to the scientist’s delight. Around this same time, in a Westchester County, New York mansion, a young Charles Xavier meets a young, shape-shifting girl named Raven, scrounging the food in the kitchen. Overjoyed to meet someone else “different” like him, he invites her to live with his family.

In Switzerland in the movie’s present-day of 1962, Lensherr forces a banker to trace a bar of Nazi gold to the scientist’s address in Argentina. There he finds a tavern patronized by former German soldiers. Lensherr kills the three men after he learns that the scientist has a yacht in Florida. Meanwhile, in England, Oxford University graduate Xavier is publishing his thesis on mutation; his foster sister Raven, a waitress, lives with him. Simultaneously in Las Vegas, Nevada, CIA agent Moira MacTaggert follows U.S. Army Colonel Hendry into the Hellfire Club, where she sees Sebastian Shaw, Emma Frost, and Azazel. After Shaw threatens Hendry, Azazel disappears with the officer; moments later he is in the War Room, advocating that U.S. install nuclear missiles in Turkey. Shaw later kills him, demonstrating his energy-absorbing mutant power and revealing that he is Schmidt, de-aged.

MacTaggert seeks Xavier’s advice on mutation, and introduces him and Raven to the CIA, where they convince her chief that mutants exist and Shaw is a threat. Xavier tracks him down as Shaw escapes a battle with Lensherr, whom Xavier brings to a secret CIA science facility run by an unnamed agent (called the Man in Black in the movie’s credits). They meet young scientist Hank McCoy, a prehensile-footed mutant whom Xavier inadvertently outs. McCoy and Raven feel a kinship, and McCoy promises her he will find a way to make them look “normal.” Xavier then uses a computerized mutant-locating device, Cerebro, to find and recruit mutants for training to stop Shaw. They find Angel Salvadore at a strip club; Armando Muñoz, who will take the code name Darwin, driving a taxi; Alex Summers, who will call himself Havok, confined at an Army base; and Sean Cassidy, who dubs himself Banshee, at an aquarium. Raven takes the name Mystique. Xavier and Lensherr also attempt to recruit Wolverine, who rejects them.

Shaw plans to meet with a Russian general, but instead sends Frost, whom Xavier and Lensherr capture. Meanwhile, Azazel, Riptide and Shaw attack the CIA facility, killing everyone but the young mutants and offering them the chance to join him. Angel accepts. Darwin tries to rescue her as the others attack in vain, and Shaw kills him. With the facility destroyed, Xavier take Lensherr and the youngsters to his family mansion, where they train. McCoy devises protective uniforms and a stealth jet. Xavier helps Lensherr unlock his potential.

President John F. Kennedy institutes a blockade to stop a Russian ship from moving nuclear missiles to Cuba in the real-life Cuban Missile Crisis. Shaw travels with the Russian fleet to ensure that the missiles arrive, knowing it could trigger World War III, after which mutants will rule. The night before Xavier and the others go to the blockade line to stop Shaw, who will undoubtedly be there, McCoy offers Raven his cure for her appearance. After having spoken with Lensherr about mutant pride, she refuses. McCoy, in his lab, injects the cure, which backfires and renders him a hairy, leonine beast. Regardless, he pilots the mutants and MacTaggert to the blockade line. Shaw, in a submarine wears a custom made helmet to block Xavier’s telepathy — which Xavier uses to have a Russian ship destroy the missile freighter. After Banshee locates Shaw, Lensherr pulls Shaw’s submarine from the water, but an attack from Riptide forces the jet and submarine to crash.

While the other mutants fight, Lensherr finds Shaw in a psychic blackspot within the sub’s wreckage of his submarine. He removes Shaw’s helmet, allowing Xavier to take control of Shaw. Lensherr puts on the helmet, then kills Shaw by forcing the concentration-camp coin through his brain.

The two fleets fire their missiles at the mutants, but Lensherr turns the missiles back onto them. In an ensuing fight, Xavier distracts Lensherr and neutralizes the missile threat. MacTaggert fires at Lensherr, who deflects the bullets; one accidentally hits Xavier in the spine, paralyzing him. Lensherr, remorseful, leaves with Mystique, Angel, Riptide and Azazel. Later, a wheelchair-bound Xavier and the mutants return to the mansion, where he will open a school. Xavier wipes MacTaggert’s memory of recent events. Lensherr breaks Frost from confinement, and in his new uniform tells her to call him Magneto.

National Inflation Association (NIA) Scam Warning from Peter Schiff

Their primary newsletters basically steal credit from Peter Schiff’s commentary or views while their follow-up newsletters are the ones with pump-and-dump stock recommendations.  Some NIA primary newsletters on current economic and social concerns were posted in the past in this site and are in line with views from Peter Schiff, Ron Paul and to a lesser extent, Jim Rogers.  However, I was unfamiliar with the fact that this is a scam until recently with the help of concerned readers.  Watch this video to learn more about NIA and for more rational advice on current economic issues.  It is true that America is going through an inflationary crisis but it is nowhere near the levels NIA claims to be.

Caprica, Season 1, Episode 14 – “BLOWBACK”

So Caprica was cancelled as of last week by the Syfy network, but the show lives on in Canada’s SPACE network.  From the previous episode, Lacey is forced to join the STO training alongside other kids who either joined voluntarily or were forced by their STO-loving parents.  The kids all board a freighter and set off to Gemenon before being boarded by a bunch of anti-monotheistic Polytheists.

They proceed to start killing the kids until their demands are met or when all the hostages abandon their fates.  In the crisis, the ginger kid is killed despite begging for his life and a scared girl who accepts her fate without dropping her beliefs.  Only one kid decides to sell out for some food and peace of  mind.  While this is occurring, Lacey and her new friend try  to loosen a pipe and check the guards for an opening to fight back.  When Lacey is taken as the next victim, she gives her friend the signal and he and a few others fight back.  As she is letting the polytheists have it, her handler tells her that this is all staged and it is basically a test on how STO “fighters” endure stress.  They then go back to their way to STO headquarters in Gemenon.

At the orientation party, the kids who passed the test celebrate and are told that this is the start of hard work and dedication.  Outside the party Lacey’s friend notices that all the kids who failed the staged hostage crisis, were being executed by the Cylon U-87 prototypes that were smuggled to the STO by the Halatha.  The kids who were killed were the ginger kid who begged for his life, the kid who sold out for food and four other kids who did nothing the entire time.

In other parts of the story, the viewers learn that the STO has a high-ranking mole in the GDD, who turns out to be that GDD agent’s boss.  The agent is suspicious when he learns that a high-ranking agent had entered and removed evidence (Zoe’s STO pin) relation to his Graystone investigation.  Also,  the agent had been asked by his boss to reveal the name of his confidential informant within the STO or future resources will be withheld.  The agent decides to frame, Clarice’s co-wife, Marbeth, as her informant to figure out if his boss is really working for the STO. As it turns out the boss leaks the info to Clarice who then kills Marbeth and removes all ID of her by cutting off her head, hands and feet.  This bluff helps the agent give Amanda the resources and leeway to continue spying on Clarice.

While this is happening the GDD boss was able to drop the pin off to Clarice, who later begins extracting the data for her resurrection program.

After reprimanding Sam for trying to supply weapons to Taurons, the Guatrau winds up arming the STO with prototype Cylons without Daniel’s knowledge.  Daniel tries to reason with the Gautrau who agrees to stop shipments to the STO if he can develop his resurrection program in 2 weeks.  After this talk the Guatrau orders Sam to kill Daniel once his work is done.

So in this episode we learn that the Cylons learned about God through their use by the STO, who may have programmed them with religion, contrary to what was revealed in the Battlestar Galactica series along with the crude form of AI and resurrection.  In any event, “Caprica” will need to tie up all loose ends with some TV movies as a way to truly end the show and lead in to the new Battlestar Galactica: Blood and Crome prequel series that talks about the original Human-Cylon war.

China Bans the Burqa

BEIJING (AP) — China’s Interior Ministry announced yesterday that it would ban the burqa from being worn in public. The new law, which will be imposed next month, would forcefully put an end to the wearing of modesty-protecting garments for women in public. The new regulations also stipulate fines for wearing certain types of culturally-related clothing.

State-controlled media stated that the ban was necessary in order to maintain security. The Chinese regime is known for keeping widespread surveillance on ordinary civilians, especially ethnic minorities, to prevent possible anti-government activity. Last month an ethnic Tibetan, who was caught stealing on a convenience store’s camera was ordered to pay a fine, even though a number of dissidents criticized the video footage as “unfair evidence”.

The new law is expected to target ethnic minorities, such as the Uyghurs as well as the growing number of African immigrants, both of which already experience widespread discrimination in the racist Chinese society. While many ethnic minorities experience also prejudice if they wear ethnic clothing, but the new law is expected to add to already-existing prejudices.

“The burqa is like a security shield for me,” said one African woman who recently joined her husband and two children in Guangzhou. “In a hostile society, it gives me the confidence I need. People always stare at me when I go by because I am African. The burqa at least helps me emotionally,” she said. Another Ngubago Okulenagu, who has become an advocate for African immigrants working in China called the ban “simply unfair,” and pointed out the failure of the Chinese government’s ability to accommodate new members of society.

Several dissidents and activist rights groups have criticized China’s new law, which has been described as discriminatory. Reporters Without Borders, Amnesty International, and the International Woman’s Rights Group have all condemned the restrictions. US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, responding to the new crackdown also said, “Abridging people’s right to wear cultural symbols violates fundamental human rights,” and urged the Chinese government to reconsider.

Construction Complete On 9/11 Truther Memorial

Construction Complete On 9/11 Truther Memorial

September 7, 2010 | ISSUE 46•36

UNDISCLOSED—On a remote patch of Kansas prairie believed to fall outside the range of U.N. spy satellites, construction is finally complete on the long- awaited 9/11 Truther Memorial, sources confirmed Wednesday.

Solemn visitors reflect on what the memorial’s designers call “the greatest lie in American history.”

Funded by donations from dozens of websites and fringe publishers, and dedicated to “the fearless amateur research and bold guesswork” of those seeking to “expose the secret machinations of the world’s true puppet masters,” the 7,000-square-foot monument has already attracted hundreds of visitors.

“It was a long time coming, but at last it’s here,” said Don Gustaf, a blogger who drove from Cincinnati to see the site. “This will stand forever in tribute to those who lost their lives the day clandestine CIA operatives used advanced wireless technology to electronically hijack a pair of 767s and remotely fly them into the World Trade Center.”

Created by a design team who chose to remain anonymous for fear of reprisals from the Bilderberg Group, the memorial has as its centerpiece the “Truth Towers,” a 60-foot-tall replica of the World Trade Center that houses a museum devoted to unanswered questions surrounding the attacks. Below it lies a pentagonal reflecting pool from which emerge 18 steps leading to the base of the monument, with each stair intended to symbolize one of the 18 Great Lies of the 9/11 conspiracy.

“This is a place where Americans can come to reflect on the most elaborate hoax in our nation’s history,” said Carol Bowerman, 53, wiping away tears as she walked passed a 15-foot granite cylinder representing the cruise missile used to fake a plane crash at the Pentagon. “On this hallowed ground, those of us who refuse to accept the official version of events can mourn the day the United States was taken over by a crypto-fascist cabal more powerful than anyone can imagine.”

“It’s so moving,” Bowerman added.

The museum is free and open to the public, though $10 is charged for admittance to the theater screening an endless 12-second loop of the building at World Trade Center 7 collapsing, an event a modulated voice-over describes as an obvious controlled demolition.

The collection also includes an interactive exhibit demonstrating how President Bush was able to calmly finish reading a book to second-graders on 9/11 because he knew about the strikes in advance and thus the news didn’t alarm him in the slightest.

Response to the memorial from members of the truther community has been positive.

“A dozen brilliant lights—one for each of the 12 charges used to bring down the World Trade Center—boldly shine their truth upon our ignorant world,” read a review of the memorial on the website IlluminatiFAQs.com. “Perhaps most profound is the eternal flame, placed directly beneath a beam of reinforced steel to remind us there’s no way burning jet fuel can melt steel, as the main stream media would have us believe.”

The reviewer goes on to state that even the convoluted landscaping suggests the way a labyrinthine network of federal agencies, defense contractors, and oil companies went to enormous lengths to make it look as though an Egyptian man leading a group of 15 Saudi Arabians had attacked the United States, then used this as a pretext for invading Iraq and Afghanistan to gain access to priceless Central Asian pipelines and begin devaluing the American dollar in preparation for an economic war with China that will plummet the global economy into a massive depression from which a single fascist corporate state will eventually emerge.

“Look, there’s Joel,” visitor Lance Mattson told reporters, pointing to a wall listing the names of the several thousand Jews who received advanced warning not to go into work on 9/11. “It’s just so moving to think—hey, why are you asking so many questions, anyway? Who sent you here?”

“Oh my God, this is all part of it, isn’t it?” Mattson added. “I should have known! This whole place is just another conspiracy to placate those brave enough to speak the truth.”

Mattson then excused himself and rushed past a series of bronze bas-reliefs charting the connections between the Carlyle Group, Donald Rumsfeld, and the bin Laden family.

At press time, no members of the Trilateral Commission, New World Order, or the committee in charge of constructing the 9/11 memorial at the Ground Zero site in Lower Manhattan were available for comment.

A Day in the Life of a Williamsburg Hipster

[A creative writing piece]

Hey There! This is Kenny, also known as Willieburg’s best known DJ/producer/artist/photog/liveblogger/singer-songwriter.  You gotta admit Brooklyn is one of the coolest places in the world next to Japan.  I mean, it’s totally open, rootless, and full of adventure unlike that podunk suburb that I grew up in over around Michigan or something.  It’s totally corporate and lame compared to the gnarly chicks, fusion restaurants, and retro trends all over Brooklyn.  All people ever care about in Michigan are gas-guzzling anti-environmental cars, eating bbq beef that harms our carbon emissions, and these people never even heard of Rosa Luxemburg!  How lame is that?

So where was I? I was liveblogging about how awesome it is living in Williamsburg. You see unlike those midtown drones that have to wake up everyday at 5 in the morning to commute and drone for that corporate machine, I can wake up whenever I feel like it. Whether I had a night out drinking glasses of soy milk-vodka bombs, or live tweeting the American Apparel-themed loft party at Zero’s place, I really don’t need to get all worked up about taking the lame 4, 5, 6 or the uncool A, C, E trains to work for losers.  Oh and by the way, the coolest trains running in New York are the L-train, ’cause it goes through Williamsburg and Union Square (which is the only coolest place in Manhattan if a place existed); and the G-train since that’s the only train that never touches any part of the phony, superficial island called Manhattan.  So anyway, I don’t have to worry about stressing over a lame commute and enjoy whatever adventures the night beckons on me.

I am still smashed from those glasses of soy milk-vodka cocktails at that fusion vegan restaurant.  What do I do now?  It’s only two days away before I call my parents to get me some support money until I get my big break as a DJ/producer/artist/photog/liveblogger/singer-songwriter.  It’s really tough getting money to do fun stuff when my parents are always complaining about the economy and their just-over-broke jobs. But I did my part by buying that Obama “Change” t-shirt from Urban Outfitters and Obama is doing awesome in my book.  The only loony thing I could do to get some extra change is to work 8-hours on random days serving Fair Trade coffee to strangers in a cafe. That is just insane?  Who in their right minds would want to slave away 8 hours in a random week for strangers can get Fair Trade coffee?  I worked too hard as a free spirit to get shacked into being a corporate slave.  Some of my roommies weren’t so lucky; Skadoo, who fronts a band called Bones of Green was once funemployed and enjoying life before he started interning at some office. Yuck!

In a few minutes, I gotta catch up with my photo shoots with some hip girls down the block.  One is like a model and the other says she is going to grad school in Brooklyn College. Brooklyn represent! I really hope my bike can take me there. It’s been getting rusty in the past few months and I think I might have been gypped ’cause I had to pay some guy $500 for this fixed-gear bike even though Robby across the hall said he got his for like $300 and his was legitimately retro.  Oh wells, at least my loft was a steal in Williamsburg compared to my bike; I only had to pay like $2500 per month instead of $5000 like the girls I am snapping up later.  It was a really good deal and I think my fans and parents would be proud!  I think I’m going to tweet that later.

Now I gotta run and get ready for that photoshoot with two foxy ladies.  Then at night it’s up for another rad party celebrating the grand opening of that vintage typewriter store with free PBR and then a midnight yoga session at the rooftops of an abandoned warehouse.  It’s gonna to be totally awesome!